Leave it at the door

10 Jun

You know when you’re unhappy with something how it has the tendency to seep into every other aspect of your life? That’s what’s happening for me right now. I have a lovely boyfriend, a pretty apartment, supportive friends….but a severe dislike for my job.

I know all of the experts say that you should leave stress and worry at the door when you come home so you don’t take it out on your partner. But they don’t tell us how to do this exactly.

How do I not curl up in the fetal position with a bottle of wine after work?

How do I get out of bed right when my alarm goes off instead of snoozing for an hour?

How do I pretend to feel cheerful when I’m counting down the hours I have left until I have to go sit in my windowless cave again?

How do I not let any of this affect my new relationship?

 

Drama is not passion

31 May

I spent a good chunk of time mistaking drama for passion in a relationship, jealousy for caring, and physical affection for actual affection. I think these feelings have a lot of the same characteristics so they’re easy to get mixed up but they mean very different things for your relationship.

Drama vs. Passion

This is a sneaky one. Both are usually paired with quickened heartbeats and steamy sex, but with drama it’s make-up sex and with passion it’s I-can’t-keep-my-hands-off-you-and-oops-we-burned-the-pasta-while-doing-it-on-the-kitchen-floor sex.

Drama: Drunkenly screaming at each other on the street outside a bar.

Passion: Drunkenly making the cab driver uncomfortable while you get to second base on the way home from the bar.

Drama: Throwing a drink in their face because you’re just so effing angry.

Passion: Throwing a drink in your own face because you forgot to turn the space heater off before getting down to business (seriously, don’t make this mistake. It might be cold in the winter but you’ll turn your bed into a Slip ‘n’ Slide of sweat if you don’t).

Passion might be heated intense feelings but it’s not anger, meanness, screaming or name-calling.

Stay tuned for Jealousy vs. Caring and Physical Affection vs. Actual Affection.

Finally, my relationship isn’t stressful

21 May

I had a moment when I was single and watching a lady cry on her phone on the streetcar when I realized that I was free of relationship drama. I was suddenly very happy to be on my own.

I had a very similar moment the other night when I was stressing about work to Boyfriend when I realized: He causes me zero stress. I’m never fighting with him or worried that he’s angry or cheating on me or going to disrupt my life with no notice. He’s stable and affectionate and sweet and considerate.

This is the first time in my life where I have been in a relationship that hasn’t created a ticker tape of worry in the back of my mind every second of the day.

So now I’m free to worry about everything else in my life. Yay!

 

The ex that refuses to be exed

17 May

I need some advice from the dating/relationship community:

What do you do when an ex refuses to go away?

Here are the deets:

He hasn’t crossed any stalker lines, he’s more just like an annoying pest that shows up on my phone every so often. Our history is that we dated for 6 months from April 2011 – September 2011. At which point he cheated on me. It was a long and drawn out dramatic break-up, and at points I thought we could be friends (which never ended up being true). I cut off contact January 2012, and since then he pops up on my phone just “checking in” to see how I am.

January 2013 I decided I’d had enough of this and told him (not for the first time) that I am very happy in my relationship and that I no longer want to talk to him. It was clear, to the point, and final. I deleted his number and washed my hands of him forever.

Last night I receive this text from an unknown number:

Hiiiii how are you : ) I’m off work this week. Was thinking of you. How’s everything going? I hope well!


Maybe one of my actual friends had changed their number and I hadn’t updated my phone. They obviously sound familiar. My reply:

Sorry, I changed phones recently. Who is this?

His answer:

Oh no wonder you answered 😛 it’s [ex-boyfriend]

I think I’m going to ignore it because I think anything I write back will seem like I’m encouraging a conversation.

But tell me, is there anything I can say to make this guy disappear forever?

You make me feel like I’m living a teenage dream

9 May

That time we went to bed without doing it

6 May

You get to a point in every relationship where sleep wins over sex. Maybe it’s cause you’re on your period. Maybe it’s because you had a particularly shitty day at work. Maybe it’s cause you didn’t get enough sleep the night before. But there will come a time when you just can’t muster up the energy to keep your eyes open once your body gets horizontal.

There’s something really insecure feeling about this moment, and when that moment came for us I worried a lot.

Is he mad? Is he wishing he’d done something else tonight? Does he think I’m not attracted to him? What if he’s a little bit less attracted to me now? What if he’s seeing a side of me that’s shattering the magical illusion that I’m perfect? Is he going to break up with me for the next pretty girl who bats her eyelashes in his direction?

So, I stayed awake worrying, sweating and staring at the ceiling analyzing the consequences of this one action (or inaction) on our relationship…long after he’d started snoring.

Running away…together

2 May

I daydream about quitting pretty much all the time, but particularly in the morning. I have a really good job where I make a  good amount of money, I have an office with real walls, I have job security, my co-workers are friendly, my boss doesn’t micro-manage, and the commute is only about 20 minutes. From the outside, my job looks great. But from the inside, it makes my ribs feel too tight. It’s hard to get out of bed every morning listening to the birds chirping, get on a crowded streetcar to sit in a windowless office for 7 hours everyday. There’s no light, there’s no air, there’s no creativity.

So I daydream about running away, and before The Boyfriend came along, I daydreamed about running away alone…now I daydream about doing it with him.

There are cute seaside small towns that never get winter, so what am I doing here when I could be kissing a cute blonde boy on a beach in a small town at sunset somewhere?

P.S That’s what I took away from this movie after paying attention to pretty much none of it:

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