Leave it at the door

You know when you’re unhappy with something how it has the tendency to seep into every other aspect of your life? That’s what’s happening for me right now. I have a lovely boyfriend, a pretty apartment, supportive friends….but a severe dislike for my job.

I know all of the experts say that you should leave stress and worry at the door when you come home so you don’t take it out on your partner. But they don’t tell us how to do this exactly.

How do I not curl up in the fetal position with a bottle of wine after work?

How do I get out of bed right when my alarm goes off instead of snoozing for an hour?

How do I pretend to feel cheerful when I’m counting down the hours I have left until I have to go sit in my windowless cave again?

How do I not let any of this affect my new relationship?

 

Finally, my relationship isn’t stressful

I had a moment when I was single and watching a lady cry on her phone on the streetcar when I realized that I was free of relationship drama. I was suddenly very happy to be on my own.

I had a very similar moment the other night when I was stressing about work to Boyfriend when I realized: He causes me zero stress. I’m never fighting with him or worried that he’s angry or cheating on me or going to disrupt my life with no notice. He’s stable and affectionate and sweet and considerate.

This is the first time in my life where I have been in a relationship that hasn’t created a ticker tape of worry in the back of my mind every second of the day.

So now I’m free to worry about everything else in my life. Yay!

 

That time we went to bed without doing it

You get to a point in every relationship where sleep wins over sex. Maybe it’s cause you’re on your period. Maybe it’s because you had a particularly shitty day at work. Maybe it’s cause you didn’t get enough sleep the night before. But there will come a time when you just can’t muster up the energy to keep your eyes open once your body gets horizontal.

There’s something really insecure feeling about this moment, and when that moment came for us I worried a lot.

Is he mad? Is he wishing he’d done something else tonight? Does he think I’m not attracted to him? What if he’s a little bit less attracted to me now? What if he’s seeing a side of me that’s shattering the magical illusion that I’m perfect? Is he going to break up with me for the next pretty girl who bats her eyelashes in his direction?

So, I stayed awake worrying, sweating and staring at the ceiling analyzing the consequences of this one action (or inaction) on our relationship…long after he’d started snoring.

The one where I botch the “where is this going?” talk

For someone who likes to write, I certainly fail at communicating via the English language sometimes.

But first, let me back up. History tells me that when a girl comes on too strong, especially about long-term commitment-y stuff, then boys run away so quickly they leave a person-shaped cloud of dust and their boots rattling behind.

What I really wanted to say:

“I love you more than all the boys I’ve ever loved mushed together and sprinkled with puppies, so I want to be Your Person. But not just that, I fantasize about all the grown-up junk I never gave two hoots about before like marriage and weddings and babies and houses. And I want to do all of that with you! What do you think?”

What I actually said:

“Soo uhh, I know you don’t like planning for the future and stuff, and like I know you’re probably temporary in my life but…umm…I don’t know…do you think about future stuff with me?”

#Fail

Where do you put a crush?

When you fall in love, there are people from your past who haunt your new-found happiness. They might be exes who send you diving under sample tables in the grocery store while you ask the stranger behind the counter to be your look-out and pass you bacon-wrapped scallops until the coast is clear (…what? just me?).

And then there are crushes.  Those people who gave you butterflies in your stomach. Who flirted with you when your dating prospects were somewhere between YouTubing gifs of kittens falling and Googling the symptoms for mono even though you haven’t kissed anyone in 6 months. And they provided you with daydream material when your heart was broken into a million pieces.

These crushes are friendlier, sexier ghosts…like Devon Sawa at the end of Casper. Amirite? I mean, if you were a straight girl in the 90’s, this was The Moment you realized that boys maybe didn’t have cooties, right?:

Where do you put crushes when you’re in love with someone new? What happens when they don’t feel so past tense? What do you do when they’re still flirting with you on your lunch break and trying to get your attention as they walk by your desk for the 50th time in a day? Maybe this Work Crush hadn’t been as one-sided as I thought…

Sometimes it’s too easy

When I fall for someone, I fall hard. I let go and jump in with both feet with blind hope that we’re on the same page. Most of the times, we’re not.

Until suddenly…I was.

I was getting replies to my texts right away, I was arranging dates that weren’t like arranging trips to the dentist, I wasn’t worried about The Game. He liked me and he said it, but even better than that, he thought I was pretty and he just said that out loud…to my face, even!

Anyone with eyeballs could see we liked each other. And for once in my dating life, every milestone wasn’t a struggle to reach (and subsequently hold onto). He asked me to be his girlfriend. He wanted me to meet his family.  He made the time to be around me as much as I would let him. We fell in love with each other at the same time.

That’s when I realized my dad was right, it should be easy. It should be so easy you never worry about it or lose sleep over it. You never fight about it. And it never makes you cry.

It should be so easy you barely have gossip for your friends (/dating blog, sorry guys). So easy you gain weight, drop hobbies that you just don’t have time for anymore and start having trouble planning even the most basic friend dates…

Wait a second…

Am I the only crazy one here??

Remember how I said that everyone wigs out over their crushes? Well, I also think at least one person wigs out in a new relationship.

I am that person.

On one side of the relationship coin he’s all level-headed, affectionate, and cool telling me about his day.

And on the other side I’m all like, excuuuuse me? WHAT do you MEAN that random chick in your class said you have nice eyes?? Are you attracted to her? Do you think she’s prettier than me? Are you going to leave me for her when she dumps her boyfriend cause she’s obviously in love with you? What’s her full name and address? Could I take her in a fight? What if I had pepper spray?

Followed by the whole sweating and not listening thing happening.

Damn, I’m out of practice with this whole girlfriend thing.

The Lightbulb Moment

This day was like every other day. I dragged myself in to work where I would sit at a desk from 9am to 5pm struggling to distract myself from thinking about him. There I was pathetically scrolling through my Facebook newsfeed and browsing Thought Catalog when it hit me:

“Why was I fighting this so hard?”

I was completely blinded by this attraction recipe that I didn’t notice when someone outside of that teeny tiny box started making waves.

It was like a slap in the face. There was a nice, smart, funny, sweet, cute guy who gave me butterflies in my stomach and he had a crush on me. What. Was. I. Doing??

All I had to do was stop pretending like I hadn’t been thinking about this kiss every day since it happened.

So I went against every piece of he’s-just-not-that-into-you style dating advice and I picked up the phone…

Fighting it

In one corner you have Me, a lightweight in the brunette nerd-girl division. And in the other corner you have Feelings, a behemoth known for crushing its opponents in a fight that could last a whopping 3 months.

Round 1

She gets off to a rocky start, battling a serious blush every time his name gets dropped giving Feelings a good opportunity to dropkick Me in the stomach while she’s vulnerable. She shakes it off round after round, but she must be getting tired at this point, folks. Feelings are obviously playing dirty trying to wear her down.

Round 2

It looks like that break was what she needed, she’s pulled herself together and might actually having a running shot at beating Feelings in this round. But wait…a surprise challenge has been posed to both of our opponents: there’s another fake holiday party. Knowing her history at fake holiday parties, the judges are obviously favouring Feelings in this round, folks. Let’s see how she does.

Ooh, she dodges the first mention of his name by pretending to be doing something in the kitchen. Classic move. The real test of her strength will come when he shows up…and here it comes.

It’s not so bad. She’s a little unsteady on her feet but no one notices and she regains her balance on the dance floor. Watch how many glasses of wine she’s drinking, a signature move, she’s obviously feeling over-confident.

Round 3

Our girl is looking rough in this round. It’s been a tough couple of fights and she’s exhausted from trying not to think about him while she battles Feelings. The gloves have come off and she’s thrown into the ring with nothing but a two litre box of wine and an intimate night of boardgames with just two other people for protection.

First it’s a look, and then a smile, and now he’s playing with children. Look how she’s trying to block every punch Feelings throws, but she being pummeled and the wine isn’t helping. Now it’s boardgame time and not only is he smart but he’s funny. This is not pretty, people. She is just barely hanging on for dear life.

Oh no. It looks like….but it can’t be….oh yes, he’s going for it, he’s leaning in for The Finisher. He kisses her.

And she’s down for the count.

Feelings: 1 Me: 0

Cameo appearances

Sometimes my life feels like a movie. Usually it’s a romantic comedy about an awkward 20-something and her cat sidekick, who does stuff like this when she has a crush (and too much wine) and this. Sometimes it’s a heartbreaking tragedy, sometimes it’s an episode of Sex and the City, and sometimes it’s a terrifying horror movie.

But because I’d been so wrapped up in the storyline, I hadn’t been paying any attention to the characters. Particularly a certain cameo appearance by someone who would eventually become a main character.

He first entered the scene December 24, 2010. I was in the middle of the most horrific break-up and he was recovering from his own life decisions at the time. Over the next two years he would make random cameos in my life — playing boardgames with my friend’s kids, unintentionally crashing a girls’ night – he entered and exited the scene without much significance to the storyline. Until September 28, 2012.

It was a party for a fake holiday. The room was crowded and buzzing when one of my best friends paid him the nicest compliment I’d ever heard her say about someone.

That was The Moment. In one slow motion blink he was a completely different person. A person who would eventually knock me off balance, and who I would spend 3 months pretending didn’t give me butterflies in my stomach.